(wiki-special opens inside Phoenix Int'l Raceway, inside Edd and Jackie's hauler, with Edd, Jackie, Timmy, Bubbles, Ed, Spongebob, Squidward, Lisa, Colin, Rudy, Penny, Mac, and Bloo eating breakfast and Lard Lad Donuts)
Edd (depressed): Oh, the GALL of that bully, Eddy winning last week in the Super Bowl of NASCAR (in reference to the "2000 Daytona 500 Fantasy Edition" wiki) unfairly, and with no class at all.
Rudy: Tell me about it! That jerk used a LAPPED car by the name of Mike Brikowski to slam me and Ed around so we don't attempt to try and make a last lap move on him. That was CHEATING! Using a LAPPED car of your teammate to block your opponents help your teammate win. That is NOT fair and square.
Ed (angrily): (about the unfair finish in the DAYTONA 500 last week) Not fair play, Mr. I wish I was a smart-sport! (referring to Eddy)
Edd: Pardon, Ed. We're moving on and forgetting about last week's conclusive lap fiasco during the DAYTONA 500, and well-focusing on today's NASCAR Winston Cup Series event.
Ed: I am sorry Double-D. That Eddy is just a bad itch! That win was all a big scam!
Timmy: Yeah Edd's right, Monobrow. Today, let's focus on the DESERT. We are in PHOENIX, ARIZONA, baby!!!! I LOVE this track with the dogleg!
Ed: Silly Timmy! Motor-car tracks don't have legs!
Bloo: No, Stupid! Timmy means the curve on the backstraightaway, Einstein! Can't you be this fu--*bleep*--ing stupid somewhere else?!
Mac: BLOO! Eat your food, and stop with your dirty language! Geez Louise!
Bloo: HMPH! *takes a bite of his French toast*
Ed: Bloo just said a bad word, Double-D!
Jackie: Ed, that means YOU should eat, too, and not intimidate Bloo.
Ed: Sorry, Jackie! I Ed must consume all the food within a 5:00 radius in my bed!
Edd: Thank you, Jackie. I was just about to tell him that before you spoke for me.
Jackie: You're very welcome sweetie. *kisses Edd on the cheek, and Edd blushes*
Bubbles: These Lard Lad donuts are so sweet and delicious! (takes another bite of her partially-eaten Lard Lad donut)
Spongebob: Boy, I'll say. Why don't you try one, Squidward?
Squidward: Spongebob, if I were trapped at the bottom of a well, for three years, with nothing to eat but a DISGUSTING Lard Lad donut, I'd eat my own legs first...(sips some of his coffee) and not just the extra ones.
Colin: Mr. Squidward, ye really should calm yourself down and...how do ye Americans say? ...Mellow out? Is that the correct how do you say? Slang there, Lisa?
Lisa: Correct. And Colin's right, Squidward. My dad (referring to Homer) loves these donuts. In fact, he'd sell his soul for a donut! (reference to the very non-canon Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment, "The Devil and Homer Simpson")
Rudy: Say, where is your dad anyway, Lisa?
Lisa: Ah, he and his constantly-drunk best friend, Barney Gumble are having a Lard Lad donut-eating contest in his and his wife's (referring to Marge) hauler.
Penny: Goodness! His wife won't like that he's eating excessive numbers of donuts.
Timmy: Ah, that's just "Mr. S-M-R-T" for ya! Like Ed, he's dull, stupid, but ya just can't help, but love him!
Bubbles: *snickers in unison*
Ed: Can Mr. Simpson be my Uncle Homie?!
Edd: *short pause* Puh-lease!
(scene cuts to "NASCAR Raceday: Served By The Krusty Krab")
Eli Gold (TNN): It has been a long hot morning here in the desert of Phoenix, Arizona as exotic race-fans continue to file in this sold-out Phoenix International Raceway. Fans everywhere are anticipating the start of today's Lard Lad Donuts 500, and not 1 seat has yet to be sold, it is just a magnificent crowd on hand today. And note, this is one of our rare telecasts of the NASCAR Winston Cup Series, because usually, we cover the NASCAR Busch Series, but since ESPN is covering the first Indycar race of the year, today is an exception for us to cover the big guys in NASCAR Winston Cup Series. Good afternoon folks, I'm Eli Gold, along with former NASCAR Champion and race analyst, Buddy Baker, and NASCAR analyst, Dick Berggren, and guys, this racetrack really is filled with surprises.
Buddy Baker (TNN): Indeed it is, Eli. This racetrack's really hard to keep the sun outta your eyes while drivin'. When we used to run here back in the fall, the sun-glare used to be in Turns 1 & 2. Now that we have new circuits on the schedule, this event was moved to the beginnin' of the season, and the sun-glare is now in Turns 3 & 4, so therefore, these drivers really need to wear their sunglasses throughout this race. An addition, the dogleg on the backstraightaway is also one of the hazards here in Phoenix.
Dick Berrgren (TNN): You're right, Buddy. You mess up THERE, you will cause a great deal of trouble for you, and possibly many others on the racetrack. Yesterday in the Busch Series race, with 7 to go, Eddy McRich Sr (Eddy's Brother) was LEADING the event until melee broke in the dogleg, and he wasn't careful, and "BAM!", he plowed into Libby Folfax and Lee Kanker, and it cost him the win, and Ash Ketchum ended up winning that race. So therefore, these new drivers in the Team Championship BETTER be careful in the dogleg on the backstraighataway during today's race in the desert.
Eli Gold (TNN): After last week's DAYTONA 500 last lap fluke (in reference to the "2000 Daytona 500 Fantasy Edition" wiki), Team Fastex looks rise above the ashes today and grab their first win of the season, and add one of THEIR drivers to the playoff grid come Springfield in September (foreshadowing the "2000 Krusty Burger 400" Fantasy Edition" wiki).
Buddy Baker (TNN): Indeed, Eli. Team Fastex might have come up short last week due to Eddy McRich and Mike Brikowski's underhanded REXCOR tactics, but they have a lotta season left to go before the playoff cut after Richmond (foreshadowing the "2000 Chevrolet Monte Carlo 400 Fantasy Edition" wiki).
Dick Bergrren (TNN): Indeed, Buddy. Today might be Team Fastex's lucky day to showcase their TRUE skills, and now that we're not on a restrictor-plate racetrack like Daytona & Talladega, these Team Fastex drivers WILL have an advantage to try and beat Team REXCOR without the use of ANY underhanded tactics from Team REXCOR. I have a great feeling that today, Team Fastex will pull it off and grab their first win of the season.
Eli Gold (TNN): Will Team Fastex rise above the ashes today here in the Phoenix desert, or will another chance at a Team Fastex victory disappear like a "desert mirage"? We will find out in 312 laps here inside Phoenix International Raceway. Let's go trackside to get the command!
Track P.A Announcer: And now for those most famous words in all of motorsports. Please welcome your Grand Marshal, representing Lard Lad Donuts, Springfield's own...Ralph Wiggum! *crowd cheers*
Ralph: Hi! I'm Ralph! My daddy shoots people! *crowd laughs* I love Lisa Simpson and when I grow up, I'm going to marry her! *crowd laughs again*
(Scene cuts to Lisa's cockpit)
Lisa (in unison to the playoff crowds' laughter): *embarrassed groan* I'm already married to Colin! The only reason Ralph is grand marshal in the first place is because Chief Wiggum, his own father was able to get the Lard Lad Donut company to pull some strings! The same way he was able to get me and him tickets to the Krusty anniversary show AND Ralph the role as George Washington in our school play where I played Martha Washington! (referring to the Simpsons episode, "I Love Lisa")
Colin (voice only as Lisa's crew chief): Focus not on the wee special lad, Lass. But focus on the race. Remember it is the second race of the entire season, ya know.
Lisa: Right. *scene cuts to Ralph Wiggum*
Ralph: I once picked my nose 'till it bleeded. *crowd laughs* And the cars don't get dizzy going around in circles! *crowd laughs* *scene cuts to Eddy's cockpit*
Eddy (angrily / impatiently): Come on! Get the race started already, ya stupid little squirt (referring to Ralph Wiggum)! I gotta go! I have Team Fastex to wail on! MY NOSE RUNS FASTER!
Kevin (voice only): Can it, dork! Give this kid a chance! Be patient with the dumbfounded little dude!
Eddy: Hey! Butt out, bazooka-chin! Who invited YOU in this--?! *scene cuts to Timmy's cockpit*
Timmy: Dorky, shut up! Listen for the command, and quit making a scene like the "drama king" you had ALWAYS been! *scene cuts to Eddy's cockpit*
Eddy: *grumbles underneath his breath* *scene cuts to Timmy's cockpit*
Timmy (whispering): Don't worry, Kev. I gotcha, don't worry. *scene cuts to Kevin's cockpit*
Kevin: Thanks, Tim. You're the man. *scene cuts to Ralph Wiggum*
Ralph: And the cars go *imitates car sound, and the crowd laughs*
Chief Wiggum (voice only): Uh, Ralphie, it's time to start the race, sweetheart.
Ralph: Ok, Daddy! 1...1...1, GO! *playoff crowd laughs* Oops! I mean...Engines, start your gentlemen! *crowd laughs* I mean drivers, start your cars! *imitates car noises* *crowd laughs as the engines start and rev LOUDLY / in unison to the HYSTERICALLY laughing/cheering crowd*
Eli Gold (TNN / in unison to the playoff crowd cheering/roaring LOUDLY): We're glad you're with us on TNN on an absolutely magnificent afternoon here in the Phoenix desert, as we are set to begin the Lard Lad Donuts 500 here inside the Phoenix International Raceway! *crowd cheers LOUDER as the pace-car pulls into the pits* Jeff Albertson, better known as Springfield's own Comic Book Guy makes the hard-left turn down pit-road, as Timmy Turner and Denzel Crocker will lead the field down to the start/finish line as were set to begin the Lard Lad Donuts 500.... *cars accelerate to take the green flag waved by Chief Wiggum, in unison to the HYSTERICALLY cheering crowd*... as Chief Clancy Wiggum now waves the green flag! We're underway in the desert! Glad you're sharing the day with us!
Barney Hall (MRN Radio): Here they come down to the line, Chief Clancy Wiggum will drop the green flag, and the Lard Lad Donuts 500 is underway. They race to Turn #1. Timmy Turner drops down to the apron of the racetrack. We got a move on the outside, he may lose the lead before they get around the corner.
Dave Moody (MRN Radio): Denzel Crocker tried to duck down low, but Buttercup Simpson didn't give him any room, so Crocker is on the attack in the outside lane for the lead!
Dan Hubbard (MRN Radio): There's a bit of a 3-car break away up at the front! Denzel Crocker has got the lead, but not by much! Timmy Turner looks down to the bottom of the racetrack into Turn #3! Nothing works there! Denzel Crocker is your leader, Timmy Turner's 2nd, Buttercup Simpson's in 3rd!
Joe Moore (MRN Radio): Here they come! First time off Turn #4, and onto the frontstretch! Denzel Crocker comes off the corner to lead Lap #1 out of 312 laps here in the desert! He will pull away from Timmy Turner, but not by much! Meanwhile there's some battling right going on right behind him!
Dave Moody (MRN Radio): And the battle for the 4th spot goes to Eddward Marion! He drove to the outside of his teammate, Ed Monobrow, and now it drops Monobrow back to 5th!
Dan Hubbard (MRN Radio): Eddward Marion rides in that 4th spot as he skirts the dogleg up the backstraightaway! Ed Monobrow's right behind him! Monobrow's got his hands full with Trixie Tang! Behind Tang is Lisa Simpson and Snap White, single-file for the Top 10 spots!
Barney Hall (MRN Radio): It's a good, clean start at the first couple of laps here right now. Think a lot of these drivers just wanna feel this racetrack out and see what it's gonna do. Ed Monobrow is under attack right now. He may lose that position to Trixie Tang, and that would be for 5th place over in Turn #2.
Dave Moody (MRN Radio): Tang took a look down low, she couldn't find the room! So right behind them, in the battle for 7th, it's Lisa Simpson powering around the outside of Snap White!
Dan Hubbard (MRN Radio): Lisa Simpson got off the corner much cleaner than Snap White did, and now Snap White's paying the price! Eddy McRich looks to the inside of Snap White! This is the battle for the position at about the 10th spot! They're side-by-side as McRich gets a little bit loose of the corner!
Joe Moore (MRN Radio): Also, there's a good race going on for the 8th position! Snap White and Lisa Simpson are going at it! They've been side-by-side for a while! You also got Eddy McRich! He's now to the inside of Snap White, and they race that way into Turn #1!
Dave Moody (MRN Radio): McRich's down low, trying to take the short way around, but Snap White is strong topside! He "leads" him by half a car-length off Turn #2!
Dan Hubbard (MRN Radio): Snap does lead McRich, but he's not done yet! McRich briefly looked to the inside! Finally, Snap White clears him, and will beat him into the entry of the corner! All of this action is going on behind Denzel Crocker, who extends his lead!
Barney Hall (MRN Radio): There's a little scramble for 2nd place out of Turn #4. Timmy Turner had it for the moment, now Buttercup Simpson dives underneath him down to the inside, and Buttercup Simpson moves up into 2nd, droppin' Timmy Turner back to 3rd.
Dave Moody (MRN Radio): And Turner now is falling into the clutches of Eddward Marion, who's closing quickly in that #4 position! The advantage is down to a car-length for Turner!
Dan Hubbard (MRN Radio): Timmy Turner has the 3rd position, and Eddward Marion's in 4th! They are nose-to-tail into Turns 3 & 4! Marion's really able to close up the gap on Timmy Turner, and that's the fight for the 4th spot!
(On the frontstretch and frontstraightaway and in Turns 1 & 2)
Edd (in 2nd): I wouldn't be confident if I were you Plankton! You're not going to know what's going to occur in the dogleg! *scene cuts to Edd's cockpit*
Plankton (in 1st): HAH! I'll know alright Double-Creep! I WENT TO COLLEGE! *laughs evilly* *scene cuts to the track*
Buddy Baker (TNN): WHOA! We got trouble in the dogleg, Eli!
Eli Gold (TNN): Nelson Muntz and Cosmo Godparent have crashed and collided in the dogleg!
Dick Berggren (TNN): It's gonna be difficult to get through this wreck--. *in *unison, Plankton screams wildly (along with Cosmo) as he slams hard into Cosmo, and angrily cries out, "CURSE YOU, YOU BLASTED MAGICAL BARNACLE HEAD!!!!")
Buddy Baker (TNN): WHOA!
Eli Gold (TNN): PLANKTON HIT HIM! Sheldon J. Plankton, the RACE LEADER has slammed HARD into the #71 Real Tree Chevrolet of Cosmo Godparent! Such HEARTBREAK for the #28 TEXACO Havoline Ford of Sheldon J. Plankton!
Buddy Baker (TNN): Right there, Eddward Marion looked to the outside of Eddy McRich ! He's clearly faster right now, whether he'll make the move or not, but, he looks to the inside, Eli! And watch him try that outside lane, and Eddy tries to the bottom!
Eli Gold (TNN): *as the leaders race in Turns 1 & 2* This is for the lead, and for a possible win for Team Fastex here in Phoenix!
Buddy Baker (TNN Sports): *as Edd makes his outside move on Eddy for the lead, almost scrapping the outside wall* EEE-YOWW! Edd almost got into the outside wall! Double-D just powers by him on the backstraightaway, but McRich hangin' tough on the outside!
Eli Gold (TNN): *as the cars race in Turns 3 & 4* But he's (referring to Eddy) not gonna have enough I don't believe....
Dick Berggren (TNN): Marion's got him!
Eli Gold (TNN / in unison to the HYSTERICALLY cheering fans cheering Edd on in the background): *as the cars make their way off Turn #4, and as they race down the frontstraightaway to complete Lap #309 out of 312 laps* Eddward Marion takes the lead!
Dick Berggren (TNN): Marion's got him!
Eli Gold (TNN): New leader, car #20 of Edward Marion!
Eli Gold (TNN / in unison to the HYSTERICALLY cheering crowd cheering Edd on as he comes off the final corners and crosses the start/finish line to win the race): Here comes Eddward Marion into Turns 3 & 4 for the final time this afternoon! No Team REXCOR underhanded tactic will come into play today against Team Fastex! Here he comes, off Turn #4, Eddward Marion will come to the start/finsh line to win the Lard Lad Donuts 500 here in Phoenix! *scene cuts to Edd's cockpit*
Edd (race winner): YES!!!! OH HAPPY DAY!!!! AT LAST, A WIN!!!! *scene cuts to Spongebob's cockpit*
Spongebob (finished 12th): Score ONE for the boys back home!